Dealing with grief while being alone

Hello guys, it's your girl… Mimiiii—-oh wait. It’s just me, Kat. HAHA

It wasn’t that long ago since my last blog but I won’t sugarcoat things, life has been tough these past few days. Last week, I’ve been out of our apartment every day because I want to be there for our Mommy Wilma (my mom’s sister and someone who is close to my heart), and just before the week ended, unfortunately, she passed away.

It was one of the most devastating days of my life, next to when my papa died in 2009. When my papa passed away, I was still young back then. I was sad but it made a huge impact on my life but I moved on with the help of my mom and thankfully, I did not experience any trauma or emotional damage in my mental health. Mommy’s scenario is way too different from that of 2009. I was able to see how my Mommy deteriorated over time and I saw how she was before she died. I still remember her final moments here on Earth. She was in a coma for a few hours at that time and she never woke up. She deteriorated so badly to the point that I tear up every time I see her in the hospital. I just donated my blood for her the day before she died and I never thought that she will never actually recover.

That’s the problem with me that most people find as my positive trait. I always hold into something so desperately. I always fight for what I want and believe in. I am extremely optimistic that everything is going to be okay. And unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. Imagine, I never thought that Mommy will be with our creator in a few months since she came here in Manila from La Union. Every single week that she is here, I always called their house to check up on her and she always assured that me she can do it and she’ll keep fighting. I held to her words like my dear life is in it and I refused to believe every time the people who saw her tell me that she’s getting weaker. I planned our holiday celebrations with her in my mind, even thinking of hosting our small family gathering here in our apartment just so she can join us. I marked her birthday in my 2021 planner and thought of the different gifts and food that I want to buy for her. So imagine how devastating it was for me to see her go. 

It was the saddest day of my adult life and it’s hard to forget. There are days when I see her pictures online and I just cry. I wasn’t able to sleep well since she went to the ICU. No one knows this but I’ve been sleeping at almost 3 or 4 am every day. When my cousin calls me, I make sure that I’m always on the go. I even have my small hospital backpack with me that I organized in case they need my blood or I need to visit her in Cardinal. The whole ordeal was heartbreaking and I can’t think of how painful it must be for Ate Rhea and Daddy who were always with her 24/7.

I made sure to spend most of my days last week with her in the viewing. From the day we got her body in the morgue to that day when she was cremated, I was with her. No one forced me to be there. I just want to be there. I’m not sure if I processed everything now, but I spent a lot of alone nights in my room, crying. I can’t help it. I cried and cried and cried a lot. When I’m done crying, I wake up again and go to her viewing to help out. I don’t have much to contribute when it comes to finances or what, but I want to contribute anything, big or small so I did my best to make myself useful in the wake. After all that happened, I slept for one whole day and went back to work.

I think I went back to work prematurely. I cannot concentrate on my tasks and I often found myself staring at oblivion, thinking nothing. There are times when I curl up on my sofa and just close my eyes, then go back to work again. It was a struggle. But like what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right. 

Before the week ended though, I had a video call with my boyfriend. He was with me, although not physically throughout this whole ordeal. He was the first person I called during Mommy’s last night so he can meet me in the hospital and tell Mommy’s family to wait for me. He was supposed to be with me at the viewing but it’s fine since he also had a family emergency. He always checked up on me from time to time which I appreciate.

Aside from him, a huge part of my support system is from my friends. My 2 of my best friends visited the wake and Aika, my more than a decade friend made sure that I was not alone last week. We hung out with her girlfriend and had fun. Of course, it is a whole different world again when I’m back to being alone but I distract myself with sleep and cleaning so I won’t cry myself to sleep again.

There are times when a small lump forms in my throat every time I remember my Mommy but I make sure that I won’t let the emotions get to me. I CLEANED A LOT YESTERDAY. I was cleaning the whole night till 11 pm. I vacuumed and polished the floor. The other day, I fixed all my books on my shelf. I devoured myself with diffusers and relaxing essential oils every after cleaning activity. I might clean the bathroom later, but I’m always lazy to scrub the tiles so let’s see.

Being alone while grieving is hard but it makes us stronger. Blessed are we who have family and friends who are always with our side in sickness and in health. I’m still no okay. I’m not sure when or how soon am I going to be okay. But for now, at least, I know, I’m stronger than who I was last year. 

PS: I am currently nursing a cough (this is not COVID, I swear. It’s just my yearly cough and flu combo every end of the year and it’s a wet cough, not the dry COVID cough) so I’m still isolating myself from people as much as possible. I’m also preparing to be 101% healthy for when the holiday comes so I can confidently hang out with my mom and brother again next month so I guess, more alone time for me this November lol.