The Curious Case of Barbara Palvin

So, this week, Victoria’s Secret gained a new angel through Barbara Palvin—everyone congratulated her and I am happy for her. But not long after her victory, side comments that she is the first plus-sized woman to join Victoria’s Secret roster of Angels circulated the interwebz.

My first reaction in seeing this? Well, I was definitely shookt and my self-esteem went in its all time low. If people have this perspective that Barbara Palvin is a plus size, what more will I think of myself being in my current weight?

I’ve been constantly battling with my weight ever since I was a kid. Due to my health conditions, it’s been fluctuating most of the time. I reach my lowest weight back in college when I received an underweight remark during one of my physical exams. I bounced back and gained my normal weight before graduating and after a few years, I am currently struggling with being overweight again at the age of 23 years old. Last year, I started going to the gym regularly but by the end of the year, I unwantedly stopped because I faced major job issues, which made me lose interest in focusing on my physical health. As I relocated to BGC and my gym is in Makati, although I still wanna continue my program, I wasn’t able to go there anymore. No excuses though, I know. I can still work out at home or jog but everything was somewhat a chaos that time. Right now, my weight is at its peak and my confidence is spiraling down due this unwanted gain with a few factors to add. I won’t elaborate more on that but the Internet is not helping people like me in boosting our spirits up.

I know, in billions of people living in this world, I’m not the only one suffering from this issue. I’ve been working extra hard on my diet and health because I want to achieve my normal weight again. There are times that I definitely lose hope. Most of the time, my will to achieve my goal is hanging by a really thin thread and I just want to give up. It messed up my mental health too.

I haven’t opened up about this to anyone, but I’ve been battling to constantly keep my mental health healthy. I don’t wanna go through all the clinical procedures where I need to shell out money just to keep my mind healthy. I want to, as much as I can, be in control of it. I’ve been reading daily devotionals to help me cope up. It’s been a struggle, to be honest. And my physical state right now is not helping with my battle too.

Every time I see a photo of mine, I just cringe and want to delete everything I ever uploaded on the Internet since I got fat. One night, after I took my regular nightly baths, I looked at the mirror and stare at my own naked body. I felt blank. And I cried myself to sleep. I hate what I saw. I hate how my body makes me feel-- that I am not worthy to be loved or be loved. It sucks. I’ve been consumed by the dark hole. I lost inspiration and motivation to keep going. That thread that I’m hanging on just went thinner and I almost let go.

If I felt that, what more does other people feel? There are more people who have worst conditions than me. What are they feeling every time they read articles criticizing women for looking fat if all they--- or we ever did was have fun and enjoy ourselves by indulging in our favorite foods? Even beautiful people get criticisms. Instead of congratulating and sending Barabara some love, she still got hate for being a plus-sized model even if her weight is perfectly normal for a woman. IT'S INSANE. 

I don’t understand this world anymore. How can people pull others down? Why is this world have to be that cruel to us WOMEN? Are we forever going to be stereotyped as someone who should starve to death just to please other people’s opinion of us? Why can’t we just celebrate if we are normal, thin, slim, toned, fat, chubby, or whatever? Why can’t MEN JUST STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE WE ARE SOME CATALOG TO BE PICKED ON WHO HAS THE BEST LOOKING BODY, OR BOOTY, OR BOOBS?

 STOP. SHAMING. PEOPLE. BECAUSE. OF. HOW. THEY. LOOK. AND. HOW. THEY. WEIGH.

This world deserves so much better.

Don’t make us feel tired living in it.

To you, reading this… If you are a woman, whatever your age, weight, nationality, or race--- Please know that you are loved. People may say many things about you but don’t forget that you are special. Whoever or whatever God you believe in, He loves you. You are not alone in this battle.

To Barbara,

You are perfect darling. Don’t let other people say otherwise. Gurl, you got Dylan Sprouse by your side every single waking day of your life. You are blessed. Keep slaying!

Spread Love and Good Vibes Always!

xo,

KAT 💋