Random Musing 2: Opening Up About My Biggest Battle

Credit to: http://bit.ly/2giPFO6

Today, October 18, 2017, I woke up feeling heavy and super down. I have mornings like this. Often actually. But every time I wake up, I have the strength to fight off these kind of feelings. I usually call them "demons". By the way I pray every night so I know that these demons are just my mind playing things to me. Unfortunately today, I did some extra effort to actually shrug it off. I cried even though I'm late for work. I cried this morning yes, because of my unending battle with myself.

I always acknowledge that I have a problem in opening up to people. I usually tell my stories and my day to my boyfriend who I *think* listens to me well but usually just give me template-d replies such as just "do this" or "you can do it" blah blah. I appreciate him... I really do (I'll always be thankful to have him or else I might go crazy right now with all these going on), as well as my friends who I know will always be there for me. But these issues of mine are the things that is hard for me to tell or share. Primarily not because I don't trust the people around me but simply because I find them too petty to be shared. I'm afraid that people will judge me as shallow or they would pressure me into doing something that I'm not ready yet. Or worst, just tell me to shrug it off, coz honestly I've been TRYING to do it for sometime now and I just simply cannot shrug it off. I'm also afraid to be described as MADRAMA or MAARTE so when things get really heavy, I just cry alone. Then after crying, I continue with my busy life. 

So here's my very simple and petty dilemma: I GOT FAT. Yes, I was kinda thin during my college days and I love my body back then. As a former athlete, I know my body well. I know if it's functioning well or when I got some problems going on. I've always been quite conscious with my body. Of course, having an active lifestyle, it is inevitable to basically know every single cry of your body. Unfortunately after graduating, I started working full-time. I ate a lot thinking that I still got my fast metabolism. What I didn't realize is that as I grow older and my physical activities got fewer... to nothing, my metabolism fails me. Which is why I GOT FAT. Yes, I am somewhat obese and I'm not overreacting things. I'm not severely obese but I'm Type 1 (base on our APE) and that SUCKS. It is a HUGE punch to my ego. 

And this is where my problem started. My self-esteem got lower and lower until today I realized, I GOT NOTHING. Every single day that I look into the mirror, I find myself looking at my flaws. Which is hard and unhealthy. Another factor is me being in social media all the time. This is my job and I got no choice but to be part of it. Social media gives HUGE.. AS IN HUGE effect on me too. Seeing these people with oh-so gorgeous body and here's me, getting bigger and bigger every day. Sometimes, this is funny but yes I thought about this, I sometimes get jealous with all these trending stuff or guys showing off their girls in social media (kahit hindi trending and super jej naman ng post ahhaha sorry for this side comment). IT IS VERY NOT ME TO THINK THIS WAY but somehow, seeing all those things makes me realize that damn, maybe I am that ugly that people are not proud to show me off. VERY SHALLOW I KNOW so I just put those thoughts aside and FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINGS. I also don't post a lot of selfies if you've noticed. Whenever I do post though, it's always half-hearted since I get super insecure nga. I actually followed a few fitspo in Instagram... to no avail. I just look at their vids and not actually do anything because I'm busy sulking and be angry AT MYSELF. This has always been my biggest battle. Always comparing myself to others. Sorry but I can't help it. I got no one to push me and give those words of encouragement just like what my fitspos have. They got a sincere support group and I got my self, who just constantly put myself down. All I hear from people are: "Uy tumataba ka" or "Uy mag jogging ka na" or "Baka kaya nagkaka allergies ka dahil kain ka ng kain". It doesn't help. Because if it helps, I should have been well today. I should have been proactively partaking to different things so I could be well. What sucks is sometimes, it comes from the people close to me. For example, my mom always comments about how big I'm getting. Even simple "actions" from the people I love affects me. It keeps on pulling me down. WHICH IS MY OWN FAULT. I let them get into me. I let them get into me to the point that my motivation and inspiration gets dump. It sucks that I'm self-loathing. I hate myself for looking like this. I try to mask everything with makeup... spending almost all my hard earned money and TIME trying to look better... but my problem is I cannot feel better. I cannot make my own self better. I cannot love myself even if I've been showering tons of love to the people around me. I got a lot of insecurities just like how I cried this morning because I GOT FREAKIN ALLERGIES that made some dark marks on my legs and I didn't even know where and why did I get it. It sucks that the only person that should be loving myself is also the same person who looks in the mirror and point all the flaws that I got. I honestly don't know what to do. I want to BE HEALTHY KAHIT NA PUMANGIT NA KO JAN OR WHATSOEVER. MY MAIN GOAL IS TO BE HEALTHY AND STRONG AND CONFIDENT. But what should I do if I keep on getting craps from people? A part of me wants to get up in the morning, do some morning jog, eat healthy and just BE HAPPY. But a part of me also keeps me from doing all those productive things and just make me end up crying on my bed. It's hard to face my own battles alone. I just wanna be able to change this. I just wanna be able to pull myself up even if it takes all my energy and effort regardless of how I'll do it.

HOW?

I don't know how. HAHAHA! I mean if I open up more often, I guess I'll get some feasible answer. But I don't wanna open up and just get the same templated remarks that I keep on getting. I need help. I admit that. Maybe affirmation or you reading this could come with me and do some exercise HAHA! But until I finish contemplating what to do next, that's the question that I hope, a few weeks, months, or years, I could answer. And by the time that I create another blog entry, I can at least report some positive feedback that finally, I'm well and I got through this. So for now, at least, this is a start. FINALLY OPENING UP ABOUT WHAT IM GOING THROUGH NO MATTER HOW PETTY AND MABABAW IT IS. Let's just see how opening up through my blog gets me. Maybe this is finally a step to actually get out of my comfort zone and LOVE MYSELF MORE. By decluttering my burdens and all these heavy feels and starting with a fresh HEART. 

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Kat