This Is Not Me...

The first three months of 2020 is about to end. I welcomed this year with a grateful and positive heart but here I am, struggling every single day.

They say that all you have to do is be positive and believe that God will never forsake you. I believe that. I have faith in that. But, faith without action is just a goal. A dream. You have to reach it. You have to work hard for it. You have to move.

Ever since 2020 rolled in, I slow down. I worked hard on my full time, I work hard on accepting every opportunity that came in, and I work-- and still working hard to achieve what I want. To be honest, I don't need to do a lot of things right now. I can settle with my 9-6 stable job. But that's not what I want. This is not my endgame. There's something more that I want to achieve. Something big, probably impossible but achievable. I am a believer that nothing is impossible in this world. When you want something, you get it. Maybe not now, but you have to work hard until you get it.

My motto in life since I got into my 20s is: I want it, I get it. 

And true to my words, I got ~some~ of it. But the achiever in me is not satisfied. I am not contented. I will never be contented until I reach that point when I can say that, "this it... this is my end goal". And there's still a long way before I go there. But I'm not stopping. Nothing can stop me.

However, on my journey to that destination, I know that I'm starting to lose my self. I find my self looking at the mirror, not recognizing who I am anymore. Most days, I am tired. When I'm alone, I feel sad and frustrated, especially when things don't go my way or something triggers my anxiety or trauma... I don't know. I don't feel as creative as before anymore. I don't find meaning in what I'm doing anymore especially on those things that I do every day. Everything is changing and I think, what just keeps me going is the fact that despite all of this, I still have the passion that keeps me going. The passion to write and create content. But anything else, it feels like a mess.

This is not me. I am supposed to be driven, determined, and positive. I should not have break downs or negative thoughts inside me. 

But this blog is not to focus on those negative things. I am writing this to say and tell everyone that it is okay. It is okay to not be you. It is okay to feel those negative things. It is okay to feel sad and lose yourself sometimes. As long as you know where you want to go. It is all part of the journey. Nothing in this world is easy. Especially if you want big, great things.

If you're not shaken, scared, or struggling, it means that your goals are not huge. It means that you like settling for less. And that's okay too. 

It's okay to lose yourself as long as you get up and be better every day. It's okay to stop for a while, have a meltdown, feel all the things that you have to feel, as long as you carry on the next day and face the world braver and stronger.

Everything is gonna be okay. You will reach your destination. No need to rush. Just enjoy the journey. One day, you will look back and laugh at all the times that you stumbled, cried, and struggled. That will make your success sweeter and greater.

Breath in. Breath out. You got this.

Love, 

KAT 💛