HOME ALONE: What It Really Feels Like To Be Quarantined Alone

It's been 40 days since I last stepped outside of our small condominium community. Honestly, I really don't know if it's really been 40 days already or more. What I know is that I've been living isolated from my loved ones for 40 days now.

One year ago... the greatest and biggest superhero movie of all time was shown in the Philippines. I still remember crying so much in the cinema and on my way home because of the emotional roller coaster that I experienced back then.

Today, however, as I am writing this, I am staying at home now and is still working even though I'm in a half-day set up from our company. It's nothing that they require. I just really want to use my time to be productive instead of watching numerous vlogs again (which I usually do every night) or binge watch some Netflix content.

Being alone at home for 40 days with minimal human contact can trigger some of my anxieties. Well, I have a few attacks since the ECQ started and thankfully, I was able to handle them... not well... but at least better. The last time that I talked to someone personally is when my cousin and her husband dropped off the essential goods that I asked them to get for me this week (thanks Ate Rhea and Kuya Ian). I was also able to talk briefly to my uncle for a few seconds because he picked up the goods that I want to send to my mom in Laguna. Thankfully, he was able to deliver it to them and my mom was able to get the vitamins she needed which is what's really the most important thing inside that package (thank you Tito Eugene!) aside from the extra food that I packed for them.

Aside from those interactions, I just usually interact with the vendors in our small store and I always wait for my boyfriend to video call me after my working hours every day. I also love talking to my best friend Aika over chat because it makes me feel that I'm still with them. She also helps me get my grocery supplies and just yesterday she treated me with a pack of uncooked Jollibee Chicken Joy which I am truly grateful for.

These small interactions with them and how they give their time to talk to me or help me make me feel grateful and loved despite being alone. Of course,  I still pray for the day that I can finally go out again and talk to them personally and eat with them and hug my family but what can I do? This is love in the time of the Corona Virus.

These past few days... or weeks... I've been really spending all my time working. Work can be kind of overwhelming especially that our company was also affected by this pandemic. I never complain or wanted to complain because ever since I started working, my everyday mindset is to be grateful but finally, this week... I can say I had a bad break down. Thankfully, my superior was there to help me open up to her and by the end of our conversation, I just literally let my tears flow freely. I stopped working for a few minutes, let the emotions sink in, and moved on. After that conversation, our HR and Operations Manager stepped in to talk to me along with my superior to help me out with my workload. It was just too much to handle and hopefully, these coming weeks will be so much better since I'm already done with most of my tasks.

That's the thing about being alone. No one is here to stop me from working and doing all my task which is kind of impossible. I've always been someone who wants to finish all the tasks at hand without saying no so that I don't have to do many things the next day. Which is wrong.

Every day, I overthink if I am doing enough or I am not doing enough to finish everything. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me or why am I thinking this way but I guess, I've really been like this all along and I just realized it when I finally became alone with myself and my own thoughts.

When I still go to our office, I usually leave my work tasks in my small spot at our co-working space and just go home and chill. I just walk around BGC when I feel like it. Sometimes, I walk from the office to my apartment because seeing the lights in our city at night and walking with strangers rushing everywhere after work makes me feel like I'm transported to New York. Then once I go home, I can start my chores like hanging the laundry or folding my clothes. It was simple yet I appreciated the gift of choice that I can go outside and do things that make me happy.

But after what happened to the world, I can't do that anymore.

It is sad to think about it. I don't even want to think about it. My boyfriend always tell me to take this situation one day at a time. He always says that. It's like a small reminder for me to always appreciate what's in the present. And that truly helped me to be grateful every day despite being alone and having an emotional breakdown here and there.

As much as I want to complain about my current situation especially seeing the news and how this pandemic is being handled here in our country, I just take a deep breath and be thankful that I'm not struggling with where I can find my next meal or I'm not dealing with knowing that someone I love has the virus.

Every day, it can be a struggle to be positive and stay happy during these trying times but I always choose what disposition I would like to be in. It may take some time... especially now that they already extended the ECQ... to find normalcy in this situation but we will get there.

Let's just think of it this way: One day, when the time comes, our frontliners will win their everyday battle against the virus. All those who contracted the virus will heal and they can rejoin their families. The borders across all our provinces will be opened and we can be safely reunited with our family. Our favorite restaurants and malls will be opened again. Our manong drivers who drive the jeepney, tricycle, and taxis will be back doing their jobs and will be able to support their families again. And hopefully, by the end of this all... we can finally be wiser in choosing a better and much more competent government to run our country.

I know that I am not the only one if this world who is quarantined alone... but to everyone struggling to find hope during these trying times... remember: When all this chaos ends, know that everything will be okay and better.

#StayHome folks and have hang in there.

Love,
Kat 💙

PSA: I have a new vlog on my channel which summarizes a week in my quarantined life. You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HC6D7_EydSw