Random Musing 1: Restart

re·start

verb

rēˈstärt/

1. start again.

   
   

   
   

noun

ˈrēstärt/

1. a new start or beginning.

The first half of 2017 has been tough for me. From the tons load of work I've been getting, to all the pressure of #adulting duties and to broken relationships, everything has gotten to my head to the point of me thinking a lot of bad stuff up in my mind. Add up those people who keeps on telling me that I'M GETTING FAT. I NEED TO JOG. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Nasa listahan ko kayo guys. I will never forget how instead of asking how me HOW I AM DOING IN LIFE, YOU GUYS CHOSE TO TELL ME HOW FAT I AM. You have no idea how much pressure you've given me (so please don't expect me to hang out with you again. I don't need that kind of negativity). Getting myself together is such a task for me to the point that even small random things causes me to breakdown. I've been living to other people's expectations of me for quite sometime now. From being a perfect daughter, to being a good "ate", to being a great friend and employee, everything seems like I'm not living for me but for others instead. The only time that I can be me is when I'm with my *ahem* loving and super duper understanding boyfriend. Which is wrong. All these breakdowns were triggered when a guy, whom I don't want to namedrop but he's just the evil-est of them all--- betrayed me, calling me "walang kwenta" and the likes. I don't want to elaborate more since I want to radiate positivity in this blog and in my life. Anyway, he texted me things like how I am not a good daughter and all those stuff. And ever since, I don't wanna talk to him ever again anymore. But you know what sucks? The tongue cuts too deep more than a sword can hurt. And ever since that exchange of texts, my mind can't get off the fact that no matter how much effort I put into becoming better for the people around me, I will never be enough. It keeps echoing in my head. Always. Maybe that's why even the smallest disappointing thing in my life gets into my head easily which causes me to breakdown. 

Anyway that's not my point at all. It's just a small backgrounder of what I've been going through. 

I'm making this blog post to become my accountability post. Not just for the people I love but for myself too. 

From now on, I *pinky promise* to start doing the following:

1. Jog EVERYDAY
2. Go back to swimming
3. Update my JOURNAL
4. Always smile
5. Stop complaining
6. Make an effort to take care of myself
7. Meet up with my friends
8. Fix my room 
9. Avoid as many negativeness as I can
10. GO BACK TO CHURCH

Bonus: 

I will stop getting irritated to random people especially to some of my officemates *I swear some of them can get so annoying all the time* HAHAHHAHA! 

I honestly don't want to post a blog about this but I think somehow, this is a step for me to be open not just to others but for myself too. Open enough for me to acknowledge that yes, I do have problems which I cannot deal with on my own. And to my friends and loved ones too... For them to know that I'm trying my best to be okay and this is somewhat a step for me to be better and to be the best version of myself. And guys, I don't need everyone to come at me and be preachy and give me random advises since no one really knows what I'm going through. 

Here's just what I need:

I just need people to support me by being their normal selves. No special treatment just because I'm going through something. Just push me to do all those things in my list. Hang out with me without feeling sorry for me or without pressuring me to open up. Do whatever normal thing we do. Just let me do my thing and maybe, if you guys want, come join me in doing random fun activities and maybe explore life like never before. 

Easy right? 

Let's restart life. 

XOXO,

Kat