Random Musing 5: Taking A Break and How I Keep Up with Being Demotivated (+ My McKinley Photo Walk Diary)

As I said in my last blog, I don’t go out during Holy Week. I only go out to do our Alay Lakad then after that I stay at home with my family. This was special for me since I was left alone in our house the entire week. I got to have some “me” time. You see, I don’t usually go out alone. Of course, I can go out alone and run my errands solo but most of the time I am with someone. It could be my friend, my mom or my boyfriend. And, okay I admit, going out alone can be so tiring and I am lazy. I am sucha homebody that I don’t mind being inside our house for 1 week straight. I would actually love that. No need to spend anything and no need to dress up and fix things.

Last Black Saturday, I woke up extra early, showered and decided to head out. I went to Veniece Piazza and had breakfast at Denny's. I also read a good chunk of my novel which I REALLY LOVED to the point that I let the Denny's people made me wait for my order for a good 1 hour (Dear Denny's, kala niyo di ko napansin yon? Pasalamat kayo may libro ako kaya di ako nagcomplain. But never ever expect me to be back again LOL) 

I've been wanting to do this since forever but now is the perfect chance since I don't wanna go out last Good Friday to solemnly commemorate Jesus' death. I thought that Saturday would be a good idea since people are still on vacay mode but I was wrong. 

A lot of people were still in the mall to have fun which kinda sucks for me because I really value Holy Week as a solemn day to commemorate Jesus' sacrifices. Anyway, I didn't go out to judge people. I just wanna walk and walk and walk alone and eat and do some things all by myself like buy some supplies.

Life is taking its toll on me. Maybe I am just tired of all the work I pulled off for most of my days. I’ve been working non-stop and honestly, it’s been taking over my health. I got a really bad stomach flu which was really the worst experience I got. I got some fever and to be more straightforward, I am experiencing fatigue. I eat irregularly, I wake up really late and every time I go home I am simply tired. Add up my fitness routines which I love dearly and I don’t wanna skip a day going to the gym but too much is just bad too. I’ve been going to the gym every day and I am at the point that I am just simply tired. Of course, it was all my fault trying to push my body and mind beyond what it is capable. No, I know, I am not paying A LOT OF BILLS and I don’t really have a legit huge life-and-death responsibility in life, but I am a human being too. I work hard to live. I fulfill my duties as much as I could. I please everyone so all of them could be happy. I work hard in life to freaking make my momma proud. But yeah, life catches up with me and I admit, I’m slowly giving up.

It’s hard. This battle. Being alone and all---- facing the things that I have to face and conquer every single day. 

TRUTH BE TOLD:

I AM VERY MUCH DEMOTIVATED AT WORK. A lot of factors is to be considered before I finally admitted that I am just tired of working here. I love what I’m doing, don’t get me wrong. I won’t wake up every single day to go to work if I don’t love what I’m doing. I love strategizing, I love thinking critically for the brands that I work with, I love conceptualizing different contents every month for clients. I LEARNED TO LOVE WHAT I AM DOING. I really won’t do anything that I don’t like. I love every minute of it. But sometimes, love just isn’t enough. I got some bills to pay, I need to take a break from all the hostility, I just need to chill and stop getting calls every now and then. I am not complaining. I am just tired of working my body off but not getting MY WORTH.

I’ve been thinking lowly of myself. At work, I often think, is this really how much I "worth"? This Php xx,xxx.00? I am doing more than what I am paid for and I got no complains there but until when? I really don’t mind if they don’t see what I’m doing. I’m not here for promotion or anything. I’m working because I love what I’m doing and somehow it helps me get by my day to day basis. But until when will I feel worthless?

Not just in work though. In life too. In family. I basically lived my teenage life trying to please every single one in my family especially my mom. I always think that something is wrong with me because usually, all they see are the wrong things that I have done. I have become so accustomed to this that I got used to saying sorry even if none of it is my fault. I even blame myself for everything that even I admit, I don't really have to in all aspects of my life. I really don’t care about what people tell me. I don’t care if they don’t see my efforts at all. But you know what I appreciate the most? Not when people say that “Oh wow, you write great articles!” or “Wow, you look better than last year!”. It is when they appreciate me for the SMALL AND TINY things I do because most of the time, it was the most unnoticed. Life is hard when you try to please every single person in your life.

You know what I learned in being alone? It made me realize that I do not need to please anyone. I do not need to live up to anyone’s standard. Yes, I am thankful for the guidance and the teachings to make me grow up well and educated but at the end of the day, the person who will always be there for me is ME, MYSELF AND I. It is I who knows myself well. I don’t need anyone’s validation OR judgments. I don’t need a salary increase just to prove my worth. My work can speak to what I can do. My mother did not bring me to this world to feel worthless. I am tired of living up to people’s expectations may it be on work or personal matters.

I am doing my things at my own pace, and one day, I know, I don’t have to put in an effort to make people proud of me. I am working to make myself proud of what I have become. Not for anyone. This what I realize during my date with myself. 

I sat down outside a closed restaurant after buying the things that I’ll be needing in our house for the coming days. I pulled my notebook out and outlined all my plans for 2018’s Quarter 2. After that, I walked around, not caring about the looks that people gave me for walking alone in a mall wearing some plain shorts and top carrying my camera with me.

After this day, I feel more empowered with what I can do. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or on the other day. Maybe everything in my life is at a mess as of the moment (nope, di naman ganon kalala), but I know I’ll get by. I’m starting to restore my faith in God (thank you to my BF for helping me in this part). I know, I lost my momentum. I don’t even have a momentum to start off since I spent my New Year in our room sulking. But today is not my end. Everything will be alright. I’ll get a grip on everything soon. I’d rather take things slowly this time than achieve everything fast but fall faster again. At least, I am doing something about it. That’s the important thing. No matter how many times I fall backward, I ALWAYS KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

So, to those people undergoing let’s say some “crisis” inside them, I believe you can make it through. We may be experiencing different situations but I know, we can all make it.

Just believe, pray and HAVE FAITH. As long as you’re moving, you will get there.

WE GOT BATTLES TO WIN, LET'S CLAIM OUR VICTORY 😊😊😊

xoxo,

KAT 💋💓